The Not-So-Great-Bake-Along '26 - Week 1

Bake Off is back, and so am I! I’m once again going to be recreating the technical challenge every week, and trying to answer the question ‘Is this fair?’

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t going to do this again. I’m tired, I’m a few years out from actually being a professional chef and baker, I’ve leapt on to a whole new career path making video games (although I’ve still got one more non-fiction book to come!) and did I mention I’m tired?

But then, Nigella. I bloody love Nigella; I am, after all, human, despite what the rumours say. I’ve spent the last few years asking if these challenges are fair, or if time limits and ridiculous recipes are creating artificial drama in the feel-good, cake-filled tent. Now, I want to see what a new judge brings to the mix. I’m not one for rumours and gossip (lies, I love it, I’m a terrible person) but as someone who’s decided to take a vow of enmity against Paul Hollywood, the news that he and Nigella aren’t getting on delights me. I’m quite happy to watch just for that. 

Obviously, as a new season begins, I’m deeply in love with all of the bakers, and have yet to learn a single one of their names. Cake week was surprisingly not-catastrophic, although the self-portrait challenge had me very glad I’m not recreating showstoppers. 

Speaking of - the technical challenge. As always, I’m recreating it within the time limit, with no recipe and only my own baking knowledge to guide me. Bake Off does appear to have stolen my no-recipe thing, at least for these opening challenges, but that doesn’t make what I’m doing any less impressive! (Mostly because it wasn’t all that impressive in the first place.) And this week, I’d like to think I rose to the occasion. (Sorry.)

The Rules:

• I have to recreate, to the best of my ability, the Technical Challenge. 
• I will not be looking at any kind of recipe. Each week, I have to do this purely with some context from the show and my own store of baking knowledge. 
• The time limit: The maximum amount of time I’ll be allowing myself is the time given to the bakers. However, as I don’t want to be wasting food and I don’t have a vast team of producers and camera operators to eat my bakes, I will sometimes be scaling my bakes down. When that happens, I’ll be reducing my total time accordingly. 
• The judging: I do not have handy professionals available to judge me. I have not, as of yet, however, purchased the fabric to make my own gingham altar. I will be judging myself, and I’m a raging bitch so I won’t be particularly lenient. My partner will be scoring as well, and probably his office mates if there’s too much cake for us to consume in one sitting. 
• The equipment: I like to think I’ve got the sort of decently-stocked kitchen any skilled home baker would have. If a technical challenge requires specialist equipment I don’t have, I won’t be buying anything for the occasion. I will be MacGyvering it, and adjusting my handicaps accordingly. 

Cake Week - Coffee and Walnut Cake

So at my last real kitchen job, there was rather a lot of cake. Specifically, a coffee and hazelnut cake that I made at least once a week, and could quite probably make in my sleep. To me, the biggest challenge this week is using walnuts instead - a supremely inferior nut. (Title of my sex tape)

Two hours starts, and I immediately start toasting my walnuts, in the hope that I can make them taste of something other than sawdust. This is why the challenge had such a focus on that balance of sweet, salty and bitter - because it’s a challenge to make walnuts taste of anything. 

Butter and sugar and eggs and flour and a hefty amount of coffee come together for the sponge, along with a few ounces of those toasted and blitzed walnuts. Smart cookie that I am, I even remember to pick out some pretty ones for the top. 

I’ve used salted butter, added some salt to the nuts, and there’s a mix of caster sugar and brown sugar in the mix - all things that play into that sweet/salty/bitter combo. I’ve calculated the coffee addition by thinking about how much should probably go in and then adding half again. I like my coffee cake like I like my women - strong, and with a distinct vibe of wanting to kill me. 

Here’s where I start getting a little bit irritated by the ‘no recipe, but we’ve provided ingredients’ part of the challenge. There are a lot of ways to make a coffee and walnut cake, and a lot of ways to get that balance of flavours right. With no recipe, but ingredients, the bakers can only do it one way. No choice of butters, of sugars, limited options for how to make it good. I don’t like the idea of giving them ingredients purely to fool them or catch them out, but if you’re going to leave things open to interpretation, then give the bakers something to interpret. As it is, this felt less like a test of their technical skills, and more like a test to see if they’d read Nigella’s books before entering the tent.

Still, so far, so normal, and with half an hour to go, my cakes are in the oven. I’ve mixed up a strong little coffee with a pinch of sugar to brush over the cakes, and a second strong little coffee for me, because I’m very tired. 

I set a shitload of butter to whipping - that’s the only trick to American buttercream; just whip the fuck out of the butter before you add anything else. And I’m left with the task of sifting 2lb of icing sugar - I do not like this task. By the time I’m finished, my kitchen resembles a smooth shiny surface in a nightclub loo. 

Still, the cakes are cooling, the buttercream is caffeinated with a few more teaspoons of the instant stuff and the rest of that strong little coffee, and I've got an hour left. 

I decide to go rustic with the nuts on the outside of the cake, sticking them in a bag and beating the hell out of them with a rolling pin. The bag breaks, there are nuts everywhere, and I’m reminded of sorry, never mind. A second bag finishes the job, and it’s finally time for a break. 

And some pot-wash. And I think Bake Off would be 100% more entertaining if the contestants had to do their own washing-up. 

With 25 minutes to go, I’m bored of waiting for the cakes to cool, and I start on assembly. They’re still the tiniest bit warm, in the middle, and I decide that’s not a problem. The cakes themselves are slightly uneven, and evening them out feels like an effort I don’t feel like going to. (Because then I will have a bowl of cake trimmings and I’ll intend to eat them, forget, and have to throw them out in a few days and feel sad about it.)

The cake comes together, and even looks a bit good! The sensible thing would be to chill it before adding the nuts around the outside, but I decide to be worried about the time without checking the time, and crack on instead. 

By the time I’m done, my kitchen is very much walnut-coated.The cake’s a bit wonky. I’ve come to accept this. I pipe the walnut-whip rosettes on top, tidy up, and I’m finished with seven minutes to spare. 

I could have done so much with those seven minutes. 

The Results

My partner comes to me with a declaration: ‘I’ve realised I like coffee cake.’ As an avid coffee disliker, he’s confused and surprised, and I take it as a compliment. He gives me a 10 on both appearance and taste, which I’ll absolutely take. 

I’m knocking a couple of points off for appearance and giving myself an 8 - there’s definitely a lopsided vibe to the whole cake affair. It’s rakish, perhaps. I’m giving myself a 10 on taste though - it’s a damned good coffee cake. Even with the walnuts. 

I’ve donated the rest of the cake to a friend’s office, as with the best will in the world I just can’t eat an entire cake anymore - I’m getting old - so I’ve been given a selection of ratings: From said friend: ‘10/10, Very Coffee.’ There was also a ‘I’m going to be a dick, sorry, but-’ with a 7/10 - the icing was too sweet. I got a 9/10 from someone who never gives 10’s, but couldn’t spot anything to improve on, and another 9/10 with a ‘Yep. Nice.’

Was this a fair challenge? For a technical with no recipe, it wasn’t entirely unfair. An extra 15 minutes would have made everyone’s cake better, but completely killed any countdown excitement, so I can’t moan about it too much. As cakes that people should know go, this is a classic, and balancing flavours is a useful technical skill. 

It’s fair enough, the illustration was a nice touch, and for once I can’t find all that much to complain about. 

But next time, I’ll make it with hazelnuts.