The Not-So-Great-Bake-Along '26

I’m going to be honest - I don’t think I like biscuit week. 

This has absolutely nothing to do with this week’s technical challenge, and everything to do with the fact that I’m just not really a biscuit person, and I feel like there’s just a really tight limit on what one can do to make biscuits interesting. 

Now don’t get me wrong - the biscuit week showstopper is the gift that keeps on giving - purely for nonsense reasons. ‘Biscuit puppet theatre’, ‘Biscuit time capsule’; these are not normal things. By comparison, this year’s ‘Biscuit Mosaic’ challenge seems somewhat sane. 

I’m sad to see Danny go - she might not have been the best baker, but she was a treat nonetheless. I’m slowly becoming obsessed with Mo - that man is more relaxed than I have ever been in my entire life - including the times I’m unconscious, doing yoga, or camped out under a duvet watching all of Lord of the Rings in one day* -  and I need to know how. 

*Extended editions only, obviously. 

So. Technical challenge - and here is where the fault of biscuit week lies. This is my fourth year doing these silly challenges, and every year biscuit week’s technical has been ‘recreate something that comes in a packet’. And I’m bored. 

They’ve tried to spice it up by giving no recipe again (and I really hope this isn’t a permanent change ‘cause if so I’m going to need to find a new shtick) but this is shortbread and royal icing - two very simple ratios that shouldn’t need a recipe. Alas, ours is not to question why (well, mine is, that’s the point of the blog) and so we bravely soldier on.

The Rules:

• I have to recreate, to the best of my ability, the Technical Challenge. 
• I will not be looking at any kind of recipe. Each week, I have to do this purely with some context from the show and my own store of baking knowledge. 
• The time limit: The maximum amount of time I’ll be allowing myself is the time given to the bakers. However, as I don’t want to be wasting food and I don’t have a vast team of producers and camera operators to eat my bakes, I will sometimes be scaling my bakes down. When that happens, I’ll be reducing my total time accordingly. 
• The judging: I do not have handy professionals available to judge me. I have not, as of yet, however, purchased the fabric to make my own gingham altar. I will be judging myself, and I’m a raging bitch so I won’t be particularly lenient. My partner will be scoring as well, and probably his office mates if there’s too much cake for us to consume in one sitting. 
• The equipment: I like to think I’ve got the sort of decently-stocked kitchen any skilled home baker would have. If a technical challenge requires specialist equipment I don’t have, I won’t be buying anything for the occasion. I will be MacGyvering it, and adjusting my handicaps accordingly. 

Biscuit Week - Iced Gems

Honestly the most exciting part of this challenge was going to the shops to buy an orange. I saw some birds, and a dog. It was lovely.

But anyway. The timer starts, and within ten minutes I’ve got a lazy shortbread dough knocked up in the mixer. (Yes, it would have been better if I’d made it by hand, but there’s only an hour and a half on the clock.) With an hour and fifteen to go, I’ve cut out some tiny biscuits and got them chilling. 

I start sieving another endless amount (400g) of icing sugar, and get my kitchen looking like a ski chalet, while some egg whites whip up. It’s 200g per egg white, I’ve used two egg whites, and again - royal icing is a very easy ratio to remember. 

With 50 minutes to go, my biscuits are baked and cooling, and my icing is made. 

Next up comes the joyous faff of turning my icing multiple colours while trying not to use every bowl I possess. I wish I could say this was more exciting - but it was just a lot of stirring. I line up my colours in a cling-film sausage, shove that in a piping bag, decorate my biscuits with a distinct lack of precision because I am ever-so-lazy and have decided this challenge is pointless, and with half an hour to go they’re in the oven on a low heat to set the icing. 

And at this point, I’m really curious to know why anyone might have struggled with this challenge. I know I’m not accurately re-creating the pressure of the tent here, but this is SUCH a simple challenge. It felt like a half-hearted attempt to cram in literally anything beyond the endless ad breaks.I’m trying to make this write-up vaguely entertaining, but quite honestly nothing happened! 

(I’ll try and have things go a bit tits up next week, for comedic purposes.)

Anyway, with two minutes to go I put some biscuits on a plate, and turned my brain to what I could do with leftover dough and icing…

The Results

I have definitely made Iced Gems. They look like Paul Hollywood’s Iced Gems - complete with orange shortbread and rainbow swirls. (Which is not iced gems - iced gems should be slightly bland and horrible and carry a risk of broken teeth - but I digress.)

I give myself a nine for appearance - and my partner agrees, pointing out ‘This one’s a bit droopy.’ Maybe I should have tried to care about the pretty piping. Still, we’re both giving tens for flavour - they definitely taste like orange shortbread and royal icing, and what more could you want?

(Well, a lot of things.)

Most importantly, I decide what to do with the leftovers. I take even less care with the piping on this one - but who doesn’t want a giant iced gem?